Final Fantasy Round Robin
by YuniX-2
Summary: The extremely hilarious result of me and a friend playing round robin. It's entirely made of Final Fantasy characters. No self-inserts or anything. Just pure FF madness! Read, enjoy, and review!
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So basically, this story is the result of me and my friend deciding to write a story round robin style. Somehow it ended up being about final fantasy. So far we've expanded this three times, and I thought it would be fun to post what we have and see what all of you think of our unique brand of humor. WARNING: CHARACTERS MAY BE INTENTIONALLY OOC! JUST BECAUSE WE PUT A PAIRING IN THIS DOES NOT MEAN WE ACTUALLY SUPPORT THAT PAIRING. THIS IS ALL FOR HUMOR'S SAKE. Anyway, that's all and enjoy!

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"Achoo!" she sneezed.

"Well gosh," said Zidane, "That's awfully soft!"

Garnet's head swiveled to face her offender. "You spoony bard," she snapped, "I'll F your shit up, yo!"

Suddenly, a tall and handsome man with long silver hair ran by, crying about his mother. "MOMMY!" Sephiroth yelled, "THERE'S AN EMO BOY TRYING TO STOP ME FROM TAKING OVER THE WORLD!"

"Huzzah!" cried Steiner, "a helpless maiden to rescue, at last. What seems to be your trouble silver haired maiden?"

"Why are you helping him?" another silver haired figure wailed, pouncing on Steiner from behind, "MOMMY? WHY DO YOU LIKE SEPHIROTH BETTER THAN ME? ISN'T KADAJ GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? KADAJ IS A GOOD BOY!"

"I have news for you," said a sinister yet surprisingly feminine voice, "your mother likes me better than any of you, because I wear a thong!"

"ZOMYGOSH IT'S KUJA!" Garnet squealed fangirlishly, spontaneously reappearing in the story.

"Achoo" he sneezed. "Oh, poo… someone's talking about me behind my back again, aren't they?" Kuja asked.

"Why does it even matter?" a monotone called out from a certain blond, gravity defying head, "Everyone hates me, I don't have any friends, I'm going to go cut myself with my giant sword now!"

"Whatever," said Squall.

"It's not even your giant sword!" Zack protested, "It was mine first, and it was way sexier when I had it!"

"It's not even your giant sword, Zack!" Angeal protested in like, "My parents had it made for ME! I'm the sexiest!"

"My sword is longer than all of yours," said Sephiroth, "at least, that's what my Mommy tells me."

"Oh, we're talking about swords now?" Zidane said, offering Garnet a complementary eyebrow-wiggle, "I bet you want to know how long my sword is!"

"I'm lesbian" Garnet proclaimed.

"Hooray!" cried Quina Quen.

"I lied," said Garnet.

"WOW GUYS, IT'S A MONSTER!" Vaan squealed like the prepubescent boy he is, "LET'S KILL IT FOR LOOT!"

"Monsters have feelings too you know," declared Vincent. "Also, I'm in eternal anguish because my long lost love dumped me for a man with a very, very, very, small sword. And test tubes."

"Test tubes?" Zidane repeated, "Sounds kinky."

"Witty retort," said Balthier.

"I know," said Zidane, "It's one of my many charms. I have quite the charming sword as well, would you like to see it?"

"Oh my gosh, guys!" Vaan yelped, "I have a sword too!" Happily, our dear Rabanastran blond pulled the katana off his back. "Isn't it shiny and pretty?"

"Whatever," said Squall.

"DRAMATIC MISGUIDED MONOLOGUE!" screamed Seifer.

"ONLY I SPEAK IN CAPS LOCK" announced Fujin.

"WHY, GOD, WHY?" sobbed Cloud.

"Look cloud! Boobs!" cried Tifa.

"WHY, GOD?" Cloud continued, ignoring her, "WHY WON'T SEPHIROTH AND ZACK HAVE A THREESOME WITH ME?"

"I appreciate your boobs Tifa" said Zidane.

"Eww! You're too short and flat-haired for me!" Tifa screamed, "RUDE! BEAR MY CHILDREN!"

"But he's bald!" cried Reno, "You know it's me you want."

"Mmmm… okay, good enough" Tifa decreed.

"…no!" said Rude, finally speaking, "He's MINE, bitch."

"Rude, I'M NOT FUCKING GAY! How many times do I have to tell you? Why don't you go join Cloud's miserable one person threesome."

"…Okay" said Rude.

"Hey Squall, you want in?" asked Cloud.

"Whatever" said Squall. "Wait, crap, NO I MEAN NO!"

"IT'S TOO LATE!" Cloud screamed in a remarkable burst of energy, dragging Squall into his emo-corner.

Meanwhile, back with Reno, Zack clapped a friendly hand on the Turk's shoulder. "Whachoo talkin' 'bout, foo'?" he said cheerfully, "Everyone's gay in FF7!"

"Yo, bein' gangsta is my job. I pity da foo' who thinks otherwise," stated Barret.

"That's not the issue here," declared Aeris, "If you're all gay them I'm left without any sex buddies! What's a girl to do?"

"Hey, not my problem!" Zack shrugged, before grabbing Reno's shoulders and planting a kiss on his lips.

"Well, you could come visit Lindblum…" Zidane said, hanging by his tail from the ceiling so he could look down Aeris's shirt.

"Go shorty! It's ya birthday! Gonna party like, it's you birthday!" cried Barret.

"Ewww… midgets." Said Aeris.

"Well, if you don't like midgets," said our favorite oddly muscled open-vested mismatched pant legged not so emo blondie, "Wanna come play blitzball with me?"

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" cried Aeris in triumph.

"Well, poopie." Announced Rikku, "Now the only hot guy left on Spira is Gippal, and he's creepy."

"Not as bad as Seymour" decided Yuna.

"Even if the morrow is barren of promises, nothing shall forestall my return!" said the wannabe one-winged angel.

"SHUT UP, GENESIS," said Sephiroth.

"Why am I so fucking SHORT!" cried Zidane in anguish, now standing quite literally between the legs of the tall man in a red trench who entered the room two lines ago.

"Why are you always quoting LOVELESS, anyway, Genesis?" Zack asked, finally dropping Reno, "Isn't that, like, a yaoi anime?"

"A what? #!#!# you all, Shera, where's my tea?!" cried Cid Highwind.

"Whoa, you stole my name!" said a certain oglop.

"EW, GROSS, A BUG! STEP ON IT!" shrieked Zack, leaping into Sephiroth's arms.

"Wait! I'll kill it with my airship!" announced Rikku's dad, also named Cid.

"MAD SCIENCE!" cried Dr. Cid.

"SHUT UP, DADDY!" yelled Balthier.

"Mad science is my domain!" announced Hojo. "but I suppose I could lend it to you for, oh, say, the chance to impregnate your wife and inject the baby with Jenova's cells."

"Sounds fair," agreed Dr. Cid.

"FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION!" announced Mr. Carrasco... errr… the leader of Galbadia Garden.

"I LIKE MIDGAR!" said the one in yellow, "THERE ARE LOTS OF TRAINS THERE!"

"Selphie, why are you not flunked out of school yet?" asked Seifer.

"No reason," she said nonchalantly, as she handed Headmaster Cid 8000 Gil.

"I can spend this in Midgar!" said Headmaster Cid, "now where is that lovely lady Cloud…?"

"Eww… you're too old for our threesome Headmaster Cid," said Cloud.

"I feel your pain," Auron said, putting his hand on Headmaster Cid's shoulder.

"I'VE COME TO STEAL YOUR MATERIA!" announced Yuffie, striking a pose.

"DO THEY HAVE MATERIA ON TRAINS?" asked Selphie, tackling the ninja.

"ZOMG I BET THEY DO!" Yuffie responded in the same excessively perky manner, "LET'S GO ON A TRAIN!"

"Yunie, look!" Squealed Rikku, "It's other ludicrously perky people! I'm not the only perpetually happy person, Paine was wrong!"

Paine went off to stab herself before the situation got any worse.

"Why, hello," said a certain black mage who was, as usual, nearly falling out of her belted fluffy dress, "If it isn't my replacement as the dark and brooding female character!"

"I'M MORE BROODING THAN ANY OF YOU!" Cloud informed them before burrowing his face into Squall's fluffy collar and bursting into mako-enhanced tears.

"Hey! Stop dying my jacket green!" said Squall. Everyone stopped to listen to his unusually long sentence.

"I mean... Whatever," said Squall.

"SQUAAAAAALL! LET'S HAVE A GAZILLION BABIES!" squealed Quistis, making "wha-pish" noises with her whip.

"Ooh," said Zidane, "Fiesty one, you are. Can I call you love?"

"No," said Quistis, "You can call me Supreme Ruler of the Universe, though."

Zidane promptly latched onto the bespectacled SeeD. "And you can call me the Supreme Ruler of the Universe's hunky lover!" he purred, sweeping his hair out of his eyes.

"WHY WON'T SEPHIROTH AND ZACK LET ME BE _THEIR_ HUNKY LOVER?" Cloud wailed into Squall's jacket, which was now glowing neon green.

"Hey Zack!" asked Squall, "Can I go be sexy with you? This emo is turning my jacket green."

"Aren't you emo too?" asked Zell.

"No, I'm emotionally tormented and therefore apathetic. There's a big difference," clarified Squall.

"I'll take him!" Seifer chimed in, "I need a new pet... I mean best friend!"

"ZOMG IT'S SEIFER!" Garnet squealed, jumping up and down, "YOU CAN TORTURE ME IF YOU WANT TO!"

"bthqayubqaejhurbqa" said Sin.

"Daaaad!" Tidus whined, "You're ruining the moment!" He then proceeded to drape an arm around Aeris's shoulders, conveniently ignoring the fact that Yuna was staring right at him.

Zidane draped his arm around Yuna's shoulders, conviently ignoring the fact that she was staring at Tidus, and that he had to stand on a step ladder in order to do it.

"SOLDIERs are so hot..." Cloud whimpered, still holding onto Squall's jacket, "Why can't I be hot like a SOLDIER?"

"You're too emo," Zack told him. "And, yeah, Squall, I guess you're sexy enough to come with us."

"Ditch the Jacket first though!" insisted Kuja, despite not being a part of the 'us' Zack had been speaking about, "Emo tears are soooo last season. True fashion never goes out of style. Take thongs for example."

"Pfft, whatever. Thongs are SO last year," Reno informed them.

"NO ONE LOVES ME, I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE AND A VIRGIN!" Cloud continued to cry, now curled on the floor.

"Pshh... you're not the one who's gonna die a virgin!" Complained Zidane. Everyone turned to stare at him. "What?! I'm 3'4", what do you expect?!"

"Naaah," Zack said, ruffling Zidane's hair in an irritating fashion, "You'll just get raped by a pedophile in a back alley!"

"What, you mean Vincent?" asked Zidane.

"What?!" cried Vincent in shock and offense.

"Alrighty, you're a 57 year old man, right?" asked Zidane.

"yes," said Vincent.

"Well, yuffie's a sixteen year old chick, and the two of you have been getting it on, so..." Zidane trailed.

"Ooooh, Yuffie, you're so LUCKY!" Selphie swooned, "He's STEAMY."

"I KNOW!" Yuffie responded in like tone, "I'm sooo lucky. I CAN HAVE UNDEAD NINJA BABIES!"

"WHY CAN'T I HAVE UNDEAD NINJA BABIES WITH VINCENT!?" Cried Cloud in soul crushing agony.

"FOR ALL YOUR MATERIA, I MIGHT LET YOU!" Yuffie announced.

"What materia?" asked Quina, "It taste good, yes?"

"That depends," Cloud sniffled to Quina in between sobs. "Is it chocolate materia?"

"Don't I get any say in this!?" Lamented Vincent.

"NO!" said Yuffie, glomping the angsty vampire.

"Ooh, catfight!" Zidane said, striking a ridiculous pose. "Garnet, want to sit on my lap to watch?"

"I do!" said oglop Cid, who for some reason had yet to be squished.

"It's the bug! Somebody squish it!" Shreiked Zack, once more hopping into Sephiroth's arms.

"It's ok," said Cait Sith, walking up to oglop Cid, "I get that alot too."

"It's the cat! Somebody squish it!" Zack wailed, hiding his face in one of Sephiroth's shoulder pad things.

"IT'S NOT FAIR!" Cloud wailed, "I WANT TO JOIN IN! I WANT TO MAKE A SEPHIROTH SANDWICH WITH ZACK!"

"Sephiroth sandwich taste good, yes?" asked Quina, brandishing his fork as Sephiroth looked on rather nervously.

"YESSSS!!" Wailed Cloud, ignorant of the gluttonous gleam in Quina's eye.

"Yay!" said Quina, who promptly began to gnaw on Sephiroth's head.

"No! My flawless hair!" the silver haired bishie cried out.

"Oh my god! Noooo!" cried Yuffie.

"I thought you were having undead ninja babies with Vincent?" asked Tifa.

"What? Oh, I am," said Yuffie, "I just dropped a piece of materia!"

"More importantly," said Aeris, "MY BOYFRIEND HAS TURNED GAY!"

"_Turned?_" Zack repeated incredulously.

"I wasn't talking about you, you narcissist!" Aeris replied, hoping to make him jealous. "I was talking about Cloud!"

"REALLY?" Cloud yelped tearfully.

"Catfight!" clapped Zidane.

"I don't like to fight," said Cait Sith.

"That's okay," said Barret, "neither does Red XIII."

"I'M NOT A CAT!" shouted Red XIII.

"Cat is tasty, yes?" Quina asked.

"Yes," said Tifa, gesturing towards Cait Sith, "Cat is very tasty. Go eat cat."

"Yay!" said Quina.

And with that, Cait Sith jumped off a nearby cliff and died.

Meanwhile, Berret turned to Red XIII. "So if you're not a cat, what are you?"

"I'm a dog," said Red XIII. "Woof."

"Dog is tasty, yes?" Quina asked.

"Someone tell me why we let that thing follow us around..." Garnet muttered.

"Meat-shield?" suggested Wakka, who had just run in chasing a run away blitzball.

"Meat?" Quina asked. From his/her long tongue, a ribbon of drool now trailed.

Garnet looked at Quina. She looked at the cliff of Cait Sith's untimely death. She looked at Quina again. Suddenly, she got an idea.

"LET'S HAVE A RAVE AND/OR DANCE PARTY!" she yelled, receiving stares from the emos in the corner.

Quina ran off the cliff. Its tribe was allergic to parties.

Garnet proceeded to flip her hair and pose triumphantly. "Do-do-do-DO-do-do-DO-DO-DO!" she sang in victory fanfare style.

"How many experience points did you get?" asked Yuffie. "More importantly, do you have materia that I can...um...NOT steal."

Garnet deadpanned. "I do not know!" she gasped, "Because I dropped mine!"

"I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!" exclaimed Barret in delight. He ran to Garnet and proceeded to suffocate her in a bone crushing hug.

"MY BONES ARE CRUSHED!" Garnet yelled, and promptly collapsed into a pile of bone-powder.

Zidane walked over to the pile on the floor. You recieved Bone Powder said the random box that always appeared when he examined stuff. "Golly gosh gee!" Zidane gasped, "Garnet's been turned into bone powder!" He promptly clapped his hands over his mouth. "Oh no! What happened to my vocabulary?!"

"We got licensed by 4Kids Anime," said Cloud.

"#! right!" said Cid... "What?"

"NOOOO! ..wait, how did we get stuck with them?" Zack wondered aloud.

"Who?" asked Auron. "Seriously, I can't see them that well. I'm dead and blind in one eye."

"OH MY GOD, IT'S AN UNDEAD GRANDPA MAN!" squealed Yuffie, "HAVE MY UNDEAD NINJA BABIES ALONGSIDE VINNIE!"

"ANOTHER THREESOME I'LL NEVER JOIN!" wailed Cloud.

"Whatever," said Squall.

"HOTDOGS!" exclaimed Zell, randomly cart wheeling into view.

"TRAINS!" sang Selphie as she chased after him.

"SELPHIE!" exclaimed Irvine as he chased after her.

"CHOCOBOS!" shrieked Tidus as he ran around in circles and crashed into a conveniently placed cactuar.

"What?" asked Aeris. "Oh, yeah, I thought Cloud's hair was a chocobo when I first met him too."

"Wow, a chocobo butt flying all the way up there!" Yuna marveled as she ogled Cloud's head.

"Watch out," Paine remarked cynically. "It might shit on you."

"REPLACEMENT! BRING ME SOME TEA!" Lulu shrieked.

Paine went to the airship and fetched a giant letter T that she stole from the set of Sesame Street.

"IS IT GREEN?" the crotchety black mage roared.

Paine stole Squall's jacket.

"Whatever" said Squall.

Paine put it on the T. "There, now it is."

"YOU HAVE PASSED MY TEST!" Lulu said in a booming, ominous voice, "FIRAGA!" The fireball promptly set Paine's feet on fire.

"... Minus 20 respect points." decided Paine.

"Plus 20 respect points!" decided Rikku.

"Can't we all get along?" asked Yuna. Everyone stared at her. "Okay," she admitted, "stupid question."

"Whatever," said Squall.

Rinoa stared at Squall and sighed. "That sort of commitment is one of the reasons I want to marry him." She whispered to Yuffie.

"...so, got any sparkly materia lately?" Yuffie whispered to Tifa, nervously scooting away from Rinoa.

"Huh?!" Tifa asked as she guiltily tried to hide her boob rag, and act like she had NOT just been polishing her boobs.

"...never mind," Yuffie said hastily, before dashing in the other direction. "THESE PEOPLE ARE CONCERNED WITH THINGS OTHER THAN MATERIA!" she screamed.

""Why do you like materia so much?" asked Quistis, "They're just large shiny balls."

"...oh" said Quistis

"Exactly," said Yuffie.

"I have nine balls!" screamed Seifer.

"REALLY?!" cried Yuffie, "LET ME SEE!"

"Good thing I'm dead and blind in one eye," decided Auron.

"OMFG DEAD GUYS! YAY!" squealed Yuffie.

"Remind me never to introduce her to my old man." Tidus whispered to Yuna, more than slightly creeped out by her necrophilia.

"OMFG GIANT MONSTERS ARE SEX IN SLIMY STUFF!" Yuffie shrieked.

"liuekwgfjewqrphigjo" agreed Sin

"LYK OMG ITS TRUE LOVE!" Yuffie cried, and promptly glomped Sin.

"I thought we had something special." emo'd Vincent.

"DON'T WORRY VINNIE! WE CAN HAVE A THREESOME!" said the ninja girl.

"... Well, I guess I am technically a monster too. Hojo's experiments and all," Vincent thought aloud.

"Ohh... isn't this romantic?" sighed Rinoa.

"You know what else is romantic?" Irvine asked, leaning over Selphie suggestively.

"Trains?" Selphie responded, bouncing up and down.

"Going to bed on trains," corrected Irvine. "If you know what I mean."

"Tee-hee!" giggled Selphie. Apparently she knew what was going on much better than she let on. With that, she grabbed Irvine by the ponytail and dragged into the private room on their train.

"That's another bed I'll never get into!" cried Cloud in despair.

"AND WE CAN PLAY WITH MY TRAIN SET, TOO!" came Selphie's voice from inside the room.

"So, it looks like I'm still an oglop," Cid interrupted, sick of all this hotness that he could not take part in.

"Oh my gosh! I love oglops!" Rinoa sighed, and resumed her girlish daydreams.

"Eeeek!" squealed Zack, "Why has no one squished it?!"

Sephiroth said nothing, and only tried to hide in plain sight. Plain sight, meaning behind his hair. Yes, he pulled a Vincent and emo'd his hair.

"I AM A KNIGHT!" shouted Seifer.

"ZOMG ITS LYK TRUE LOVE!" sighed Rinoa, who still did not move.

"I am also a knight," said Steiner meekly.

"Steiner! Fix me a bacon and mayonnaise sandwich with extra fat!" said Queen Brahne.

"Wow, I always wanted to see an elephant!" exclaimed Selphie, who was now done playing with Irvine and her toy trains.

"COCKBLOCKED!" Zidane yelled, pointing mockingly at Irvine.

"Short." Retorted Irvine.

"That was below the belt!" Cried Zidane.

"You're below the belt!" retorted Irvine once again.

"... I walked right into that one, huh?" Zidane asked Vivi.

"Beware of the blue M&Ms!" warned Vivi.

"RAWR" said the blue M&Ms.

"OH NOES!" yelped Vivi, who promptly waddled/shuffled away as his legs were too short to properly run.

"Hey everybody, BOOBS!" shouted Tifa, feeling left out of the conversation.

"How romantic!" sighed Rinoa.

"Whatever," said Squall.

"I am not a whore, despite my uncanny resemblance to playboy bunnies." Fran argued as she entered with Penelo.

"Then how do you explain that village of yours?" Penelo demanded.

"...um... Hojo cloned us?" she supplied.

"That perv!" Penelo said, rolling her eyes.

"Actually, he's more of a pus-spewing organ-pile sin against God at this point in the game," said an unknown voice.

"Like, oh my gosh!" Penelo said, "It's just like the time Vaan wanted to show us his sword!"

"I never got to show it you!" exclaimed Vaan, "let me go get it! It's so shiny and metallic! "

"Oy vey," said Larsa, in a British accent.

"Sephiroth, I'm leaving you for a pre-pubescent kid with a sexy British accent. You too Reno," announced Zack.

"I'm just that excellent," declared Larsa, flipping his hair.

"I WANT TO LEAVE SEPHIROTH AND RENO FOR A PREPUBESCENT KID WITH A SEXY BRITISH ACCENT!"

wailed Cloud.

"I WANT TO LEAVE SEPHIROTH AND RENO FOR A PREPUBESCENT KID WITH A SEXY BRITISH ACCENT!" wailed Sephiroth and Reno.

"JINX!" Shouted Reno, "You owe me a soda! And you probably need an Echo Screen to speak again."

"...!" Sephiroth said urgently silently.

"Hey Sephiroth," Cloud asked coyly, "Wanna join my lonely emo threesome? I'm going to take silence as a yes."

"!!" Sephiroth cried silently as Cloud dragged him to the corner.

Reno snickered. "You know what, forget the soda. This is entertaining enough."

"..." said Sephiroth.

Squall cast silence on himself. No one was aloud to out-quiet Squall.

"I WANT TO BE SILENCED TOO!" wailed Cloud, feeling very left out.

Vincent promptly shot Cloud.

"OH, THE PAIIIINNN!" Cloud wailed. As his HP reached 0, Aeris threw a phoenix down on him.

"And THAT'S what you do when someone DIES!" she yelled.

"WHY DIDN'T SOMEONE TELL BASCH THAT WITH REKS?" Vaan whined.

"THAT'S what you do?" asked Yuffie, shaken. "And all these years I thought you raped the corpse then stole all their materia."

"Remind me not to die anywhere near Wutai," said Tseng, observing from overhead.

"..." said Rude.

"Gosh! How barbaric!" a miffed and rather obnoxious little girl with a horn sticking out of her head huffed, crossing her arms. "The moogles tell me that the PROPER thing to do when someone nears death is to rip open their chest cavities with your bare hands and eat their vital organs while they're still conscious!"

"yesssss... feast on their ssssssoullsss..." Mog whispered into Eiko's ear as the girl laughed maniacly.

"I don't have a soul" announced Seymour.

"CHEST HAIR! RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAY!" shrieked Vivi as he waddled away as fast as his penguin-like physique could carry him.

"Hehe," snickered Zidane, happy with the effects of his new illusionaga spell, as Seymour stared at his hairless chest in confusion.

--

A/N: So yeah, that accounts for the first three rounds of our craziness, I'll add anything else that we write in continuation as we write in. I hope you enjoyed, and please review! I'm curious to see what people think of our rambling! haha.

Mr. Carrasco is our high school principle. Our high school's motto is "failure is not an option". One day we were playing FFVIII when we noticed that the head of Galbadia garden says the same thing, exactly. We thought it was so funny we took a picture of it, and ended up mentioning it in here!

(other references) There are various newgrounds references in this work, many of them are to short scenes by legendary frog that are unlocked by playing the Materia Madness minigame in his "About Random Battles"...well, that's not the itle exactly but it's something like that. There is also a reference to a VG cats comic in here, and possibly a few other references I forgot to mention. So yeah, check these things out if you want to find our references. f


	2. Chapter 2

It was a lovely day in Archaedes. Balthier looked up at the sky and sighed in a particularly profound manner.

"Shut up," said the sky, "I'm trying to sleep here."

"No, you shut up!" said Balthier. "I'm the goddamn Leading Man, I can sigh wherever I want!"

"Nonsense," proclaimed Eiko, walking out of the item shop, "There are designated areas for sighing all over Gaia, just look!"

"Bollocks!" said Balthier. "I'm a sky pirate, I follow no one's laws!"

A blonde, spiky haired man looked up from his position in one of the designated emo corners. "I wish _I_ didn't have to follow anyone's laws," he proclaimed.

"DID SOMEBODY SAY SKY PIRATE?" a shrill voice came from where a platinum blond was poking his head out of a sewer where he undoubtably lived, "I WANNA BE A SKY PIRATE!"

"I WANNA BE A SKY PIRATE TOO," wailed Cloud, "WHY AM I NEVER THE SKY PIRATE?"

"Hey, _I'm_ a sky pirate… if you know what I mean," replied the man with the sexually active monkey tail.

"Oooh! Oooh! Can I be a materia Pirate?" shrieked Yuffie.

"You can't be a pirate," Zack pointed out, "You're a ninja."

"OH SNAP!" Yuffie exclaimed, "Quick Vinnie, you need to become a pirate so our undead ninja babies will have pirate powers too!"

"Errr…." said Vincent as he edged away slowly, "I'll get right on that…"

"Hooray!" cried Yuffie, "Undead ninjrate… uh.. pija… pinjrate?... err…Vinnie, what do we call our babies?"

Vincent, however, had run away. In his place, a masked man said, "…Whatever." He was plainly not Squall, because Squall doesn't wear a mask.

"ZOMG IT'S LEATHERMAN!" Squealed Rikku, "I LOVE YOU LEATHERMAN!"

"Gee wilikers, Leatherman!" the yellow clad girl next to him exclaimed. She was obviously not Selphie, because Selphie wears neither mask nor cape.

"Wait for me!" Shouted Prefers-to-Be-Naked-Man. He was obviously not Irvine, because Irvine wears clothes… usually.

The Dominatrix, however, merely sighed. She bore a striking resemblance to Quistis, except she had sunglasses, and we all know Quistis doesn't wear sunglasses – especially not indoors. That would be breaking the rules!

Hotdog Boy, though, was not present. He probably choked on a hotdog… if you know what I mean.

"How childish," remarked the woman with cotton-candy pink hair, "Real warriors do not need costumes."

"I want my mommy…" whined Hope.

"For goodness sakes, he's only a child!" Sazh shouted, "Dress like decent people! … Except you Prefers-to-Be-Naked-Man. You can stay as you are."

"BACK OFF, BITCH, HE'S MINE," raged Train Girl.

"REVOLUTION!" Screamed Vaan, since he didn't really have a fucking clue what was going on.

"OH MY GOD IT'S AN ANNOYING CHARACTER!" shrieked Zack, "SOMEBODY SQUISH IT!"

"EEEEEK!" Shrieked Vaan as a large green oozing mass smothered him. "yeewfgioufqqggvqf," it said.

"HELP, HELP!" Tifa yelled, running in on the scene and completely removing any lingering concern for Vaan's suffering, "SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY BOOB RAG!"

"This looks like a job for—" Leatherman began but was abruptly cut off by a very sexy British voice.

"Me!" finished Larsa.

Balthier shook his head in disapproval, then walked up to Tifa. "Here," he said, pulling a handkerchief out of his vest, "You can use mine."

"Hey guys, don't mind me," Zidane said, as though anyone had even remembered his existence, "I'm just getting out the old video camera. Nothing sketchy going on here. Hey Tifa, could you polish two feet to the left? Its better lighting."

Tifa, however, had another, more pressing concern. "SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY BOOBS!"

All eyes turned to Kuja. "What?" he exclaimed, as though he did not have two massive lumps protruding from his chest where there had been no lumps before.

Barret, however, was looking towards Tifa in utter confusion. "Who the hell is that?" he asked, "It looks sort of like the thing that holds Tifa up, but she's not there."

"That's just my alter ego," sniffed Cloud, "she's imaginary, like me."

"You too?" sighed Tidus.

"akflsel;ierg;" comforted Sin.

"Shut up, dad," said Tidus.

"Dad's suck," agreed Hope. "I don't know why I hate mine, but I'm sure it's a very good reason."

"Because he's not your mommy?" said Kadaj. "I love my mommy."

"Mommy's are the best," Hope concurred. "I want my mommy back!" He began to bawl.

"MOMMY LIKES ME BETTER THAN YOU!" yelled Sephiroth. Kadaj began to bawl as well.

"Hey, I technically have mother issues as well!" a surprised Garnet decreed as she popped out of a hole in the ground. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAH… oh wait, I'm not a pussy like you."

"NOBODY LOVES ME!" cried Cloud, then joined Hope and Kadaj in the designated emo corner.

"KILL! KILL! KILL!" cried Black Waltz III as he rampaged onto the scene.

"OH MY GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE STARTING WITH VAAN!" Garnet screamed. She then looked over to Vaan's sewer, and had a realization. "Oh wait, he's already dead. Never mind."

"…Whatever," said Squall.

"Leatherman, you're exposing our secret identities!" protested Train Girl, who was most definitely not Selphie.

Squa—I mean Leatherman looked at Train Girl long and hard, pondering his options. Finally he stared deep into her eyes, into her very soul and declared "…whatever."

"I wish Leatherman would look into my eyes and say 'whatever'…" sighed Rinoa.

"I'll look into your eyes and say 'whatever,'" whispered Zidane as he kneeled before her, planting a kiss on the back of her palm.

"Wait, that's not my hand…" said Rinoa.

"That's where my boobs went!" Tifa cried in delight, rushing over to grab her precious assets from the monkey's hands.

"Wait, what?" Zidane said in utter confusion as Tifa proceeded to stick them back on her chest.

"Excuse, b-but, I'm not a b-boob," the glob of flesh on the right said. Tifa stared into her new mammary's yellow eyes. "Well this is awkward," she said. A flesh colored blob fell off of Vivi's neck.

"Nice going, Vivi!" Zidane exclaimed, "I didn't know you had it in you! Tifa's boob, I mean."

"Holy crap!" exclaimed Yuffie as she stumbled upon the fleshy blob, "This is the shiniest flesh-colord materia I have ever seen! *Yoink*" and away it went into her pocket.

"Oh, so that IS materia in your pocket…" Cloud said woefully, "I thought someone was actually happy to see me… WHY GOD, WHY DOES MY LIFE SUCK SO MUCH? I ONLY HAVE TWO WOMEN HANGING OFF OF ME, ONE OF WHICH WITH DOUBLE D'S, I CAN LIFT A GIANT SWORD LIKE IT WEIGHS NOTHING, AND I CAN RIDE A MOTORCYCLE, TOO! WHY IS MY LIFE SO HOOOOOOOORRIBLEEEEEE?"

"Because I hate you," said Hyne.

The scene, however, cut to a commercial. "Whooooooooo's ready for super happy fun time with Kefka?" asked the psychotic clown.

"WE ARE!" yelled Terra and Locke.

"YAAAY!" cried an imaginary studio audience, which may or may not have included Tidus, Cloud, Lady Cloud, and the blue M&Ms.

However, the commercial suddenly fell and landed on top of the regular scene. "OWW," said Cloud as it collided with his heavily gelled head, "WHY DOES THE UNIVERSE HATE ME SO MUCH?"

"The universe doesn't hate you," corrected Zack, "It just loves me better. And everyone else better too. Ok, maybe it does hate you."

"Yeah, it hates you because you suck," said Eiko, standing behind Balthier.

"I really hope that's a horn poking into my ass," said Balthier.

"I'll poke a horn in your ass if you want," offered Reno.

"WHY WON'T SOMEONE POKE A HORN INTO MY ASS?" wailed Cloud.

"mmfmhm fm hmmfm hm!" The right side of Tifa's chest exclaimed.

Hojo spontaneously appeared next to Cloud with a tuba. "I agree with Tifa's breast. And I happen to have a horn right here."

"That horn is too small!" exclaimed Dr. Cid, "a _real_ mad scientist would use a horn… at least three times that size!"

"I TAKE IT BACK, I TAKE IT BACK!" Cloud shrieked as he pressed the two shoulder buttons and ran away like a little girl.

Seeing an opportunity for revenge, Squall grabbed him by the shoulders and pinned him to the ground. "It's too la~ate," he mocked as he dragged the screaming emo back to the men in labcoats.

Cloud instantly became extremely anime-fied, including bishie sparkles, a blush, and tears poking out of his big blue eyes. "O-oh Squall," he purred, "Won't you take me? I-I want you… inside me…"

"Cloud…" Squall whispered with more emotion than he'd ever shown Rinoa, or in general, "I never knew." Slowly, he pulled down Cloud's pants… then mercilessly shoved a tuba up his ass.

"BAD TOUCH!" screamed Cloud.

Seifer watched the scene with wide eyes. He jotted down some notes on a pad of paper. "Brilliant," he mumbled. He turned to the stunned woman with a head for a boob that stood next to him, "I'm so using that one with Squall later."

"Do you mind?" Hojo snapped at Seifer, "We're trying to perform a tuba colonoscopy here!"

"Well you're doing it all wrong," sniped Eiko, "You're supposed to blow _harder_."

"Well, maybe you'd like to try!" quipped Dr. Cid.

"Maybe I would!" retorted Eiko.

"THE PAAAAAAIN!" cried Cloud.

"Is someone looking for me?" asked Paine.

"Lulu was," Rikku told her as she videoed Cloud's ordeal to put on her porno site later, "She said 'shut up and bring me some tea.'"

"Hey, good idea," remarked Cid Highwind as he flew in on his clunky aircraft, "Shera, fetch me some #$! !#$!% tea!"

"WHY WON'T SOMEBODY HELP ME?" screamed Cloud.

"Uhh…. Karma?" tried Zell, who had just returned from the 'cafeteria'.

"I _would_ help you," purred Kuja, randomly appearing, "But this is just making me too hard."

"He's all talk," Zidane whispered to Aeris, who was suddenly standing next to him, "Garland forgot to give him one."

"Ooh," said Aeris, "Then he's just perfect for me!" She then proceeded to pull a giant dildo out of her weapon slot.

"Hey…" Zack whined, "What happened to my umbrella?"

"Oh. It… broke. Yeah…"

"OH GOD THE PAIN," said Kuja, half of Zack's now broken umbrella protruding from his rear.

"…whatever," quipped Squall.

"aslkjfoasfjd;asjasdoifja" agreed Sin.

"Hey," exclaimed Zell, "My hotdog is gone!" A new horror seizing his fragile brain, Zell ripped off his pants and stared downwards. "They're _**both**_ gone!"

"Wait, you had two of them?" Selphie, who had appeared when Train Girl had disappeared, asked.

"Mfmmhm mff hmmf!" Tifa's right boob exclaimed, two pointy objects now protruded from the center of her boobs, and while the one on the right seemed to be getting smaller, the one on the left was rapidly elongating.

However, this was actually Vivi's hat. From the side, however, came a voice, "No one is a match for the great Genetalia Thief!" Kefka held up Zell's… weiner… as well as Tifa's original right boob.

"Oh no!" cried Yuffie, "That bad bad man stole my giant fleshy materia!"


End file.
